[Deanrover]

Hi all,

Let me start.

When I was 17 I played in a London Schools' bridge tournament. The general standard was, ahem, well I can't lie, it really wasn't that good. On the final board, you pick up

---

at favourable vulnerability.

LHO opens 2C and partner passes. RHO thinks for a few seconds, his eyes flitting between his cards and his bidding box. And then, without warning, he tilts his bidding box over and *plop* all 35 bidding box cards thud on to the table. He had bid 7NT.

After checking that we were all using the same pack, I doubled very quickly and led the club ace (Yes, I was paranoid about them having 13 top tricks!). Dummy meekly tabled

---

The plump young man's face was a mixture of shame and horror as he said

"Sorry partner, I thought we were playing Weak Twos".

To compound the misery declarer had a singleton club and after 5 minutes, intermittently painful and embarassing, punctuated with laughter, we chalked up 1700.

[Free]

Ok, very funny, but he's allowed to take back his 7NT bid if he realizes quickly enough it's not the bid he wanted to make... And I think he realized it, no?

As for a funny one of mine (perhaps not thé funniest moment, but we had a good laugh), a few weeks ago I get a 3-3-3-4 hand, 8HCP, and I felt like psyching because we were NV and playing against a good pair who also psychs from time to time. Bidding went:
pass - 1♦ - 1♠ (me) - pass
2♠ - pass - pass - Dbl
pass - pass (after long thinking) - pass

My RHO had to think for a while, because his partner's Dbl is penalty, but he had 3 ♠s himself! He was a bit confused, but decided to trust his partner.

So we play a few cards, and I have 6 tricks, ending in my hand with only the following trumps:

---

Obviously, opps already knew I psyched, and my LHO said "do you even have trumps left?" after I played my ♠10. He played low, and I played low from dummy. My dear LHO (good friend of mine btw) forgot to play his ♠J while laughing with my psych, and this made my ♠Q high, my 7th trick for -100 Most other tables were in 1NT+1 Lucky MP's

[the hog]

BAM scoring

Playing Symmetric relay -
Pd opens 1H -11-15 5+H
I have 4H and a 1 count, so I hit a psychic game force relay of 1NT. Pd passes. "Did you psych?" I ask "Yes" said partner. So I put my hand back in the board and said 7 off to the opponents. No one said a word and we went on to the next board. My pd thought I had a huge hand was annoyed at him, until we scored up. Our partners were in 7NT making 7.

[Dean]

Henry is a good player but slow.
Bob is "a bit of a character"

He is playing at the clubs on night and gets a warning for slow play from Bob.
3 boards later Bob says to Henry
"Im sorry but I'm going to have to fine you (whatever it is) for slow play".

Henry indiginantly splutters.

The funny thing?

Bob was a playing director - playing with Henry!

Its gone down in the folk lore of our club.

Dean

[aisha759]

Welllll... it's not really a bridge incident but it happened at a bridge table so i presume it counts...

I was recently in the UK and i played a few nights of bridge at a local club with a fellow member of this forum If you dont know who it is or who it may be then no worries. It is irrelevant..

It was hot in the bridge room and my p was wearing a jumper. I had told him to take it off but he said he was in a stream of cold air from the open window...

Two nice old ladies came to the table who appeared to know him quite well. One of them asked "????, take off your jumper. Arent you hot!!?"

He explained that he wasnt but as the board progressed, the other woman asked him as well. So, flustered, he started to take it off...and then stopped half way, pretending to be shy... (if you can guess who it is, he definitely aint shy)..

One of the ladies asked "????, whats wrong? you embarrasssed to take off your jumper?"

And my p looked at her and replied "Well, Rita, it is not often i get asked to take off my clothes in front of 3 finnnnnnnnne women. And whenever i have done it in the past i have needed music....and a greasy pole. And by that i am not referring to my ex mother-in-law!!"

(to understand this he was once married to a Polish woman)

Well, one of the old ladies looked at him for about 6 seconds with a straight face and then burst into laughter. All 3 of us couldnt continue and we had to take an average on the 3 boards (it was the first board)

Well maybe you had to be there...

P.S. There was no greasy pole, no music, so that jumper never came off!!

[spwdo]

Hi Aisha,


I ll guess we have to do a poll to find out who is that forumuser with a favourtisme towards music and greasy poles

[Laird]

Hello All

At a club game against 2 female friends the following conversation was heard after she went 1 down in 3nt...

' Sorry partner. He was trying so hard to get me on the table. I knew as soon as I let him do it there was nothing I could do'..

When I smiled and gave her an 'old fashioned look' of mock surprise, we all burst out laughing at what she had said.

Yes, I find that getting ops to win in dummy and play thro, their own hand into partners strength can sometimes be rewarding both in a bridge sense and as a source of humour..

John

[whereagles]

A long time ago, I redoubled for SOS at the 6-level. Pard, not unresonably, left it in

The good news is I was only 8 down. They could have beaten me by 10 tricks, but they slopped 2 tricks

[inquiry]

I will relate a few stories. I will start with one that occurred in oklahoma city. I went to the local club without a partner one night, and they had 12.5 tables. There was another kibitzer around, who was a much older gentleman. He was known to be a horrible partner because he couldn;'t stop himself from complaining about everything his partner bid. "Never raise yourself" was a very often critic...if you had an eight card suit.. he didn't like you to rebid it. HE had a horrible reputation and people hated to have him play at their table as an opponent, and forget playing with him as a partner.

So, when the director begged me to play with this guy. I reluctantly said ok, but I paid for both us.. and I told him,, "look when I pay for a pro, I don't want any lesson, I just want to win," He never made a comment, not once, all night. And we won, and had a most enjoyable evening. At least seven people asked how come he was so polite and nice when partnering with me, and I told them. It was the best 2.50 or so I ever spent.

Ben

[myfish]

well ,one time i have such a 1 loser hand

Scoring: IMP

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just after a while,i play in 6♥(after giving p's choice in ♥and♠)

the dummy:

Scoring: IMP

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after p's showing his hand....i start to think why p didn't choose ♠........

the lead is ♣Q,i went down despite ♥&♠ are 3-2

because i am so nevous about the bidding.......i did not remeber ♥ is trump
and DISCARD a ♠in second ♣

this might be a stupid story instead of a funny one

[Deanrover]

Jo. What can one say about Jo? She has played bridge for at least a decade and yet it completely clueless. She regularly passes splinters. Her cardplay is mystifying. We suspect she only plays bridge because of the large number of eligible men available. You can, literally, hear her clock ticking as you talk with her.

Heathercroft. A place full of fun. Those of you who read the EBU magazine might recall the issue 3 years back that mentioned a club with two 100 yr olds. This is Heathercroft. The average age is 90ish. However, the atmosphere is extremely friendly, and for £1 you get 24 boards of bridge, free tea/coffee and biscuits. The winners gets £2, so actually the afternoon is a guaranteed profit of a Quid.

The players are Heathercroft have an excrutiating knack of never, ever claiming. Once I had the trump Ace in hand and said "I make the Trump boss, the rest are yours", she replied "No no dearie, lets play them out".

One afternoon I was roped into playing with Jo. We bid to 6NT, always a risky proposition with Jo as declarer. The defence started by cashing the Ace of Spades. Jo then spread her hand, claiming

"The rest are mine...........I think (giggle)"

"No no dearie, lets play them out".

"But I have 3 Spades, 4 Clubs, 2 Hearts and 5 Diamonds!"

Amazingly enough, for once, Jo's analysis was accurate. There were no less than 14 cast iron, off the top tricks.

"No no dearie, lets play them out."

You can guess the punch line.

[pclayton]

A story told to me by my friends that play EHAA ("Every Hand is an Adventure"). Playing against Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau look-a-likes(i.e., the original Grumpy Old Men), the following took place:

Matchpoints, all vulnerable.

North (Wild 1) - "2♣" - alerted by Wild 2.

Matthau (holding a balanced 17) to Wild 2, "..........grrrr, whats that"?
Wild 2 to Matthau, "4-9 HCP, at least 5 clubs"

East (Matthau) - "Pass"

South (holding a yarborough and 4 clubs)- "2N" - alerted by Wild 1.

Lemmon (holding a balanced 18) to Wild 1, ".....grrrr, whats that"?
Wild 1 to Lemmon, "forcing - wants me to describe my hand"

West (Lemmon) - "Pass"

Wild 1 - "3♣" - alerted by Wild 2

Matthau to Wild 2, "more grrrrs,..... whats that"?
Wild 2 to Matthau, "minimum with 5 clubs"

Matthau - "Pass"

Wild 2 - "Pass"

Lemmon - "PASS"

_______________________________________________

The play of the hand is unmemorable, with Wild 1 going down 4. Matthau and Lemmon are on a hook for 7N with their combined 35 count.

Matthau (loudly): "DIRECTOR"

Director: "May I help"?

Matthau politely explains the bidding and says "If these young men are playing methods like this, they need to provide us with a suggested defense"

Director: "Score stands"

_________________________________________________

As they are leaving the table, Wild 1 can't resist a comment:

"Sir, the suggested defense against our systems is not to let the opponents play a part score with a combined 35 points".

[PriorKnowledge]

The following remarkable hand was dealt many years ago at a local club (East Dealer):
North: AK109876542 xxx - -
South: QJ3 - xxxxx KQxxx

NS makes 7S on a cross-ruff. EW can make 7H. I believe 7D is also makable if played carefully.

Most played in 6S or 7S dbled.

One player in 7SX, after ruffing the opening diam lead high, showed off by leading the 2S to the 3S. Of course, now there is only 12 tricks on the cross-ruff. He was so embarrassed, he did not try the ruffing club finesse for a possible 13th trick.

At another table, the South player psyched a 1S overcall. Having 10 spades, North guessed that South did not have 5 spades for his overcall, but proceeded anyway to bid spades aggressively as South sank lower and lower in his chair. At the final contract of 6S or 7SX, he apologized for a "Square hand" and tabled his hand as
♠ AK109
♥ xxx
♠ xxx
♠ xxx

[slothy]

About 2 years ago (Islamic calendar), I was TDing a drive at my local club...

On the second round, an old lady was waiting for her p, also a lady but in her mid 30s, who had just gone to the toilet, and had taken a long time to do so (female prerogative i believe)...

When she returned, i said to her quite innocently "We didnt know whether you were gone or were here. Grab your chair and lets get on"...

much to my surprise, at this moment, she burst into tears (wish i didnt have this effect on women )

The old lady slams her cards down, stands up and goes round the table to comfort her, looking at me as if i was some sort of chain-saw serial murderer!!! As it happens, the young(er) lady was so distressed she decided to be subbed out to go home (ringing me up during the break to apologize that it was a 'woman thing' and it affected her badly [very common that women suffer this at work in our city when the Marks and Spensers sale is on] )

For the rest of the evening, at every table the old lady is whispering to all the NSs, explaining what - or giving her interpretation of - had happened at our table. They were shaking their heads followed by a furtive look at me as if i had drowned a pussy-cat in a bucket!!!!...(amazing how they float afterwards, btw, head up every time...)

When the drive finishes everyone avoids me with even one woman approaching me saying "alex How could you!! So meaaannnnnnnnnnn"

Next day i get a letter delivered to my door (chairman lived nearby) with the words URGENT written on the front.

I open the letter and i am told that i have been suspended from the club until the next committee meeting 2 weeks thence for, and i quote

Spoiler

----

....due to your offensive comments to a female member of the club, where you accused the lady of HAVING GONORRHOEA and CRABS and thus had to leave the club in distress..."



Needless to say, i phoned up the Chairman who was very aware that the lady in question was as deaf as a door-post with ear-muffs, who after phoning the young lady in question (he couldnt get hold of her until then but had had so many complaints off people who had 'been there' that he had to take action) decided to withdraw my suspension. He now makes it a standing joke at every AGM

Sloffy

[luke warm]

aisha759, on Nov 8 2004, 03:34 AM, said:

I was recently in the UK and i played a few nights of bridge at a local club with a fellow member of this forum  If you dont know who it is or who it may be then no worries. It is irrelevant.. 

oh me... oh my.... yet another reason to hate him

[jahol]

One board, one can hardly forget about.

IMP competition, both vulnerable. LHO opened 1 club (Precision, strong, 16+). My partner doubled promising 5+ in dia, standard overcall (9+HCP). RHO bid 1 dia (negat, 0-7 HCP). My hand:

xx---void---Axxxx---xxxxxx.

For I long time, I had not been psyching, this one looked promising. I bid 1H, followed with 4 spades jump from the left. Everybody passed.

The continuation is not that difficult to be forecasted. My partner having QJx in hearts led naturally QH. Pure declarer could feel that something did not smell absolutely okay looking at the dummy like

Jx---10xxxxxx---x---KJx.

I ruffed the first round of H and returned small dia praying for dia K in the possession of my pard. That was OK, I got the second ruff and we took one more trick.

Jah

[inquiry]

Back in the range of the very early 1970's I played at the University of Florida club game twice a week. One of my parnters, who must have been a Barry Crane fan, constantly told me to "never bid a grand slam, we are good enough we can win without it".... this was his mantra, of course,he told all his partners this, so it wasn't a reflection of my ability. Anyway, playing Precision club, I picked up the following nice little collection...

Scoring: MP

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I was all prepared to open 1♣ when it became my time to bid, but to my surprise, my partner opened 2♣ in first seat.

Well, of course, I know his rule against bidding grand slam, but we might belong in hearts, so I bid 2♦ to see if we might have a great heart fit, and he rebids 3♦. We played that if you had four diamonds and you open 2♣, then you are on a maximum hand with six-four.... Well facing a 14-15 hand opposite, even 13, with a six three fit, I just couldn't control myself. Despite constant warning, I bid 7 clubs. You could see my partners face redden and his blood boil... At least I was going to put down a dummy that would calm his nerves.

However, this was the full hand...

Scoring: MP

West opened with the a small diamond, dummy's ace won.

As luck would have it, clubs are 2-2 with king on side, hearts are 3-3, but my partner went down.

---

He chose to win the diamond ace, cross to the club King, and lead a diamond and ruff small in dummy. East overruffed because WEST had lead a diamond from K-sixth despite no lightner double. In a 12 table event, all other 11 tables bid 6♣ and made seven. We were the only pair to bid 7♣, and we went down. We got the same zero we would have gotten n 6♣ making six, but my partner berated me the rest of the night for bidding the grand slam. We wont he event anyway.

[whereagles]

LOL... opposite such a display of dummy play, I would definitely bid 1 trick less anytime pard is declarer

[aisha759]

After a few intense bridge lessons, my partner and myself decided to enter a local tournament..... We were still not familiar with tournament rules, but were quite secure with our simple bidding and communication skills...We were very brave!

I remember opening 1♥ with about 19pts.... my partner bids STOP 4♥... I continued asking for controls, and we ended up in 6♥.... I am totally blank as to whether we made the contract or not, but my partner was very upset at my bidding... she said " I put STOP so that you would know not to go on with the bidding; otherwise I would not have used the STOP card!!!!" She was extremely angry..

Our teacher had not explained what the STOP stood for, actually we weren't even quite sure how to use the ALERT properly, and had a problem with that too, in the same tournament (another story )...
She never thought in a million years, we would venture into a tournament with such little knowledge.... You can guess what our next lesson was about

[slothy]

Let me guess?

Was the lesson about how to add bicarbonate of soda into the scone mix and then squish the flour together with the tips of your fingers so it crumbles properly?