[gordontd]

the hog, on 2011-November-03, 22:37, said:

Another one. I was playing in a National event against Stephen Burgess, an extremely good NZ international, and his terrible, but very wealthy client. The client, (whom I shall call E), puts down a dummy that does not even remotely resemble his bidding. Burgess takes one look at dummy and comes out with, "E get your f*****g ugly face to the bar, order everyone at the table a drink and don't come back until the hand is over." The client is still around by the way and these days hires top Polish internationals to play with him.
On another occasion, Burgess, playing with the same client was defending a contract. He turned his seat around and played his cards by throwing them over his shoulder. The director was called and Burgess commented, "This is the only way I don't get to look at him botch another defence."

It amazes me how rude some professionals can manage to be, and still get employed.

[Cyberyeti]

blackshoe, on 2011-November-03, 19:35, said:

I really hate it when people praise directors, even faintly, for making an incompetent ruling "because it didn't matter". It always matters.

You don't understand Norfolk bridge at all then, the role of the director seems to keep the lols happy so they keep playing, not to enforce the rules, here he managed to do that without affecting the "big bad experts".

[billw55]

cloa513, on 2011-November-03, 18:35, said:

That last post needs a little edit.
http://www.pattayabr...eJokes_main.htm

Did you hear about the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”

That one made me lol

[Raff90]

Once we had a tournament for the schools team. All of them are between 13 - 19.
And there is one little fellow who is a genious but a little crazy as well.

So they were in an auction and the genious was asking for aces.
When his partner responded ( miscounted ), the genious screamed for the tournament director and complained why his partner is lying to him

[the hog]

gordontd, on 2011-November-04, 01:45, said:

It amazes me how rude some professionals can manage to be, and still get employed.

Oh, this client took it all. Mind you, Burgess was a world class player in those days.

[Bbradley62]

Very similar to a story above... Playing Stratified Pairs at (allegedly) Spring 1985 NABC in Montreal... I have specifically not told my newbie partner (the proud holder of 2 masterpoints, playing his first-ever tournament) about seeded tables... he alerts a bid of mine... Opp asks, and Pete says "that's Bergen 2NT; it means..." but Opp holds up his hand and says "that's okay, I know what it means"... We bid and made our 23-point spade game for a huge score... I let pard leave first, then turned to Opp and said "Your column is the first thing we turn to in the Bulletin every month, and we incorporate as much as we can into our system. Thank you for writing it." About three rounds later, pard said "you've been grinning ever since that Bergen 2N auction. Why?" I had to tell him...

[ggwhiz]

Similar again.

At a Toronto NABC we sat down to make the boards and an opponent looked around and told her partner "Oh look! we are going to play against **** in round three." (a well known Toronto player).

Herr pard asked who he was playing with and she said "I don't know, must be a pro date".

We said yup in confirmation. It was Lynn Deas..... and it was.

[Fluffy]

---

After the bidding LHO led ♦A in a flash, and RHO insta pulled ♦4 from his hand, before even seeing a card from dummy.

Dummy took quite a while to put down since my partner is slow, but as soon as diamonds hit the table, the ♦4 did as well, dummy then pulled ♦3 but I said no-no-no, I didn´t play yet. RHO had to pull 4♦ back, and just for the shake of it I made him keep the card in his hand for half a minute untill he got tired and had to put it down (facedown) on the table.

Then I finally decided to play and played ♦3 from dummy, and RHO folowed, I played my 8 to let LHO think of doubleton ♦4-2(lol).

Yeah LHO though of doubleton a lot, as she insta returned ♦6 instead of the King, RHO Ruffed it and I was just home there. But after the club return I gave myself the extra chance that trumps were 1-4, by ruffing 2 diamonds in hand, and using ♥A and top club ruff in dummy as entries to make diamonds good and discard my spade.

Not a chance as RHO ruffed first diamond with ♥J to try a promotion, so I just pitched ym ♠4 there.


Oh well the clueless comment? LHO said after the deal : Don´t ruff the diamond, it is my trick with the King

[benlessard]

Kantar stories with his students are great, The name of the book is Classic Kantar. Kantar make a cuebid and the LOL bid 3nt. Opps before leading ask what was the agreement about the cuebid, she replied "he's either asking me something or showing me something, I don't know and I don't care."

[jdeegan]

Many moons ago I was teaching at a backwoods college in Arkansas. I found a reasonable partner who introduced me to the 'local' duplicate at various surrounding towns including a weekly 4 or 5 table game at Paragould run by a nice older gent. When the 'big' tournament came along, a regional at Jackson, Mississippi, my pard volunteered me to play with the nice older gent.

As we sat down for the first of four sessions together, the 'nice older gent' mentioned that he needed 5.2 red masterpoints to make life master. Red masterpoints were, at that time, available only at regional and national tournaments. I mumbled some kind of encouraging remark that we had a shot to make it this tournament.

He then looked me straight in the eye and said: 'I hope so, the doc says my emphysema is getting worse, this is probably my last red point (bridge) tournament.'

[BunnyGo]

jdeegan, on 2011-December-17, 10:21, said:

Many moons ago I was teaching at a backwoods college in Arkansas. I found a reasonable partner who introduced me to the 'local' duplicate at various surrounding towns including a weekly 4 or 5 table game at Paragould run by a nice older gent. When the 'big' tournament came along, a regional at Jackson, Mississippi, my pard volunteered me to play with the nice older gent.

As we sat down for the first of four sessions together, the 'nice older gent' mentioned that he needed 5.2 red masterpoints to make life master. Red masterpoints were, at that time, available only at regional and national tournaments. I mumbled some kind of encouraging remark that we had a shot to make it this tournament.

He then looked me straight in the eye and said: 'I hope so, the doc says my emphysema is getting worse, this is probably my last red point (bridge) tournament.'

and?....

[gwnn]

Fluffy, on 2011-December-12, 18:04, said:

---

After the bidding LHO led ♦A in a flash, and RHO insta pulled ♦4 from his hand, before even seeing a card from dummy.

Dummy took quite a while to put down since my partner is slow, but as soon as diamonds hit the table, the ♦4 did as well, dummy then pulled ♦3 but I said no-no-no, I didn´t play yet. RHO had to pull 4♦ back, and just for the shake of it I made him keep the card in his hand for half a minute untill he got tired and had to put it down (facedown) on the table.

Then I finally decided to play and played ♦3 from dummy, and RHO folowed, I played my 8 to let LHO think of doubleton ♦4-2(lol).

Yeah LHO though of doubleton a lot, as she insta returned ♦6 instead of the King, RHO Ruffed it and I was just home there. But after the club return I gave myself the extra chance that trumps were 1-4, by ruffing 2 diamonds in hand, and using ♥A and top club ruff in dummy as entries to make diamonds good and discard my spade.

Not a chance as RHO ruffed first diamond with ♥J to try a promotion, so I just pitched ym ♠4 there.


Oh well the clueless comment? LHO said after the deal : Don´t ruff the diamond, it is my trick with the King

my favourite one so far

[mikestar13]

the hog, on 2011-November-03, 22:37, said:

<snip>

A good friend of mine was playing against an very strong female player, who later went on to play for Australia. This young lady had a habit of wering very low cut, sheer bouses and a black leather micro mini. She was also very well endowed. Sh also used to lean forward so that everyone always got a great view. my friend was more interested in doing well rather than enjoying the sights, so this was too much for him and he came out with this line, "Would you please remove your tits from the table unless you intend to play them to this trick."

A real beauty (the story, well maybe also the ...) and it reminds me of one of my own experiences. In my regular Thursday night rubber game many years ago, I was well known to everyone there as a bridge addict. One night, I was telling the well-known story about the great Terrence Reese playing a difficult slam hand and never even looking up while an attractive and totally naked woman walked around the room. My partner at the time then asked "What would you do if it happened to you?" (thinking I would claim I would emulate Reese) and my answer was: "I'd say, 'Partner, you come around the table and play this one while I go chase that lady. I may be a bridge addict, but I'm not crazy.'"

[neilkaz]

One of my favorites from the club over 20 years ago. Weeknight pairs game and PD and I are sitting across from an older married pair who often agrued so much that it slowed the game down.
Wife was quite strong and would be a respected expert on BBO whereas hubby was basically as skilled as the average advanced pickup.

Hand 1) A text book hand since based on the HCP played and my opening and partner's failure to raise it, I simply have to have the K of trumps so hubby with a 5-4 fit must play to drop it stiff. He hooks and goes -1 and she, trying to restrain herself, but in an annoying voice, explains that he could could HCP and that I almost certainly have to have the King. He replies that he isn't good enough to tell that (understatement of the year) and she looks at us and says that she's been trying to teach him for 30 years .

Hand 2) They both show monster hands in the bidding and a♦ fit and he thinks and thinks about a slam move while she scowls at him. Lacking Kickback, he finally wimps it and stops in 5♦. My lead goes to PD's ace and he exits and hubby wins in dummy and leads a trump. Hubby thinks and thinks (more nastier looking scowls) and finally ducks it into my stiff king !! I exit and the card they need to make with no risk drops easily on very basic play for 11 tricks for them.

Wife looks at the traveller as she scores and says, "Everyone else is taking 12 tricks, what happened?" He replies that he ducked, "hoping to endplay him" and then griping about losing to my stiff K for the 2nd time. She was sympathetic but said that with 11 trumps it is better to try to drop it, and then if not, he could hope I am endplayed or err. He raises his voice and utters some nonsense and she gets defensive and says this is basic percentages which I know that you know. He says "I do, but I thought the finesse was better". Now I simply can't resist telling them that that each hand had 6♦. She couldn't believe it. I then pointed out that PD had disc'd a ♥ on the first trump (neither had noticed) and the last time I heard that much noise I was watching the 4th of July fireworks.

After a chair was knocked over, she said that it was her fault for marrying him as the director came over to try to calm them.

Oh...back on topic..most useless/clueless comment.."I was hoping to endplay him" after losing to my stiff K with 12 cards between declarer and dummy.

.. neilkaz ..

[Phil]

Partner held this trump suit on Saturday:

98xx

AQTxx

LHO plays three rounds of spades, ruffed in dummy with the 9 whereas RHO discards.

He cannot work out that LHO has the K and J.

Unfortunately for us, they were doubleton. He says, how can I possibly guess this?

[wank]

1) i was playing with a client in the quarter final of a knock-out teams event with the tournament winners representing England in a European championship and we're winning by 6 going into the last 8 boards.

i put dummy after partner's 1NT opener. dummy includes kx of the suit led. partner has jxx. partner puts the king up, loses to the ace, and the opps cash 5 rounds of the suit when RHO continues them to LHO's original QTxxx. -1. i'm not feeling very good. partner says 'there was nothing i could do there was there?'. dutifully with my mind on the remaining boards of the set i said 'no, you couldn't make it'. in the end we won by 4, with a 6 imp pick up on the final board.

2) when i was about 15 i played against some bunnies in a north london bridge club. our bidding went pass, pass, pass, 2nt, pass, 3nt, double, all pass. +550. i was busy smirking to myself about the muppet who Xed with a flat 7-count and the £50 prize (about $100 at the time and very nice for a 15 year old) which we were on course to win. My partner was too rich to care so asked why the old buffer had Xed it. The old buffer said he doubled because his partner had made his original pass slowly which they played as showing a maximum and that perforce with his 7 points he knew we didn't have the 25 required to make 3NT.

[barmar]

wank, on 2011-December-19, 01:51, said:

partner says 'there was nothing i could do there was there?'. dutifully with my mind on the remaining boards of the set i said 'no, you couldn't make it'.

Of course, in your mind you put extra emphasis on "you".

[billw55]

.. and another one I recall:

Playing in an individual event (one board per partner!), this round I have a player that my regular partner played with for several months. She reported on several occasions that this player would make silly criticisms in the post mortems. I wasn't sure how much she was exaggerating, but eventually they stopped playing together because of it.

So I end up in 4♥ with a 6-2 fit and find JT9xx of trumps in one hand against me. I play off the AKQ and go about my business in the side suits. RHO eventually ruffs in twice for down one.

CHO now says "you should draw his trumps so he can't get those ruffs". I explain that they were high trumps but this does not deter him. "If you draw them he doesn't get to ruff". Eventually RHO (a player of some reputation in our club) comments that drawing them doesn't help, which the fellow immediately accepts. I guess actually examining the evidence didn't occur to him.

[rasmuskold]

In a pairs game, we played against a couple which are pretty clueless. They had reached some hopeless contract, which we doubled -3 for 500. I don't think that our side could even make a part score. The wife was declarer, and to console her the husband commented: 'It's okay to go down 3, since we are green vs red'

[Fluffy]

Phil, on 2011-December-19, 00:00, said:

Partner held this trump suit on Saturday:

98xx

AQTxx

LHO plays three rounds of spades, ruffed in dummy with the 9 whereas RHO discards.

He cannot work out that LHO has the K and J.

Unfortunately for us, they were doubleton. He says, how can I possibly guess this?

Oh *****, the same Saturday with just some hours of time-zone difference my partner did the same after runffing with the Jack with Jxx opposite AK10xx and finesing the way back, I didn´t let him the chance of saying anything though.