[ggwhiz]

During his 50+ years as a Director in ACBL land, Stan Tench was called to my table in a Midnight Swiss after I opened 1♣ in 4th chair.

North: Thishh guy opened and I'm the dealer!
Stan: You're in the huddle and it's 3rd and 10. What play do you call?
North: Punt?
Stan: No! American Football, not Canadian.
North: Oh, pass.
Stan: Carry on.

[gordontd]

I wonder if it would lose something in the translation.

[ggwhiz]

gordontd, on 2011-August-04, 09:37, said:

I wonder if it would lose something in the translation.

Yeah but I know you guys are sitting on some good ones. Release!

[aguahombre]

Most of the good ones I have heard over the years were produced at the table by Harry Goldwater. Maybe someone could share some of those oldies; my memory fades.

[McBruce]

aguahombre, on 2011-August-04, 10:29, said:

Most of the good ones I have heard over the years were produced at the table by Harry Goldwater. Maybe someone could share some of those oldies; my memory fades.

I may be wrong, but I think it was Goldwater who, with two priests at table seven who were taking ages, took the microphone and announced "all change, next round -- our fathers, who art at seven, hurried be thy game..."

[Cyberyeti]

Not rulings, but favourite director calls (I wasn't the director in either case)

Director called to table by elderly lady to point out that LHO was dangling out of his trousers.

A player (and some time director) who in this case is guilty of no more than seeking redress for an infraction which didn't in itself affect the result (revoke discarding before following with the last trump on the next trick type of thing) is playing against a normally affable tweed jacketed elderly gentleman.

player:"Director"
player:"This man called me a bastard"
TJEG: "No I didn't"
TJEG: "I called you a MISERABLE bastard"

My own particular favourite, I opened 1N favourable with some 1237 11 count with AKJ10xxx clubs as I knew it would wind up the pair I was playing against.

The auction proceeded: 2♠-P-P and I decided to rebid 4♣ LHO apoplectic wheels in the man and points out the auction. Director more or less shrugged his shoulders and said something to the effect of "I can't do anything about it now, call me back at the end". The auction proceeded P-P-X-P-P-P at which point I wheeled the man in and reserved rights, questioning the X in the light of the UI from LHO's obviously irritated director call. At this point I thought LHO was going to spontaneously combust. +510.

[pran]

What about a well known happening in Norway (many years ago):
Director: "I offer you six penalty points, are you satisfied with that?"
Player: "I am never satisfied with penalty points"
Director: "Then I give you twelve penalty points!"

[shintaro]

Not a Director one

But the Late John Collings who was playing with a client at a Bridge Weekend sat down to play with Simon (a Vicar friend) who said to John 'Oh Mr Collings I am slightly apprehensive at having to play opposite you

John chirped up 'You are apprehensive' what about me having to play with a 'Bloody Vicar'

This tale was told by Simon to a stunned congregation at John's Funeral

[McBruce]

A story one sometimes hears from the old-timers concerns the days before bid-boxes or political correctness and a North player who was notorious for playing a natural system, which he called "bidding what I see." Against an opponent who was quite obviously female, he opened the bidding with a call of "Two Boobs."

The Director was called and was told what had transpired. "Well, off the top of my head," said the TD, "I can say with some confidence that the call is not insufficient."

[ggwhiz]

My buddy told me about his first ever tournament. Having just graduated University, he and his pard made it to Toronto just in time for the Friday Midnight Speedball Pairs.

They started against a couple of really cute girls and when the round was called he said "Oh there's a skip". Next rounds, same thing and they just stayed there.

When the movement blew up they were thrown out of the game and barred from the rest of the tournament.

Me: "How tragic. Your first tournament was like 10 hands long."

Him: "Not at all. She threw the girls out too."

[richlp]

aguahombre, on 2011-August-04, 10:29, said:

Most of the good ones I have heard over the years were produced at the table by Harry Goldwater. Maybe someone could share some of those oldies; my memory fades.

He undoubtedly had some memorable lines. Goldwater's rule on what to do with a lead out of turn ("Accept it. If he doesn't know who's turn it is to lead, how can he know what to lead??)

OTOH, unfortunately my memory of him has not faded. It's colored by personal experience, but I found him abrasive rather than amusing, especially when ruling when novices were involved. Partner took a very long tank and then lied about his Aces. RHO called the director. I didn't mind that (he's an excellent player and friend to novices - and this length tank warranted the call) but I took exception to Harry's "How long does it take to count to one Ace?" ruling.

I'm not a fan.....Give me Kojack (or any of several others) any day as far as people skills go.