[kenrexford]

Here's a backwards question for you.

Let's suppose that you actually want to play bridge with a person who is brutal as a partner. You also do not necessarily want to change that person, a task that may be impossible anyway. Any suggestions on damage control?

[helene_t]

Brutal in what sense? 5-card preempts? Hogging the contracts? Blaming me for his own mistakes? Calling TD whenever opps tank for more than 3 seconds?

[kenrexford]

helene_t, on Sep 20 2007, 11:13 AM, said:

Brutal in what sense? 5-card preempts? Hogging the contracts? Blaming me for his own mistakes? Calling TD whenever opps tank for more than 3 seconds?

Harsh on partner as a knee-jerk reaction.

Kind of like the noted young player from Canada, or so I understand.

[arigreen]

Play behind screens?!?!

If that's not an option, it helps if you know in advance that you'll be dealing with this sort of partner. Get in a rhythm to start the next board immediately after the previous board has been played, with little talking in between. When partner inevitably bursts out at you it will be easier to ignore him (or her!) and focus on the next board.

Ari

[han]

You can see Ari has played with Justin a lot, good advice!

[ArcLight]

I would endure this if I could learn from an expert, or had to curry favor with a jerk.

Its easy - just inwardly smile when pard yells. You know its going to come (frequetly).
Listen to what they say objectively, if they are resulting, just nod your head and say "OK".
If they make a nice play, compliment them. If they mess up , say nothing.

(just like you would with ANY pard)

[keylime]

If I had to do this, I'd make sure I adopt the "less is more" philosophy (i.e. sound preempts, overcalls, disciplined openings, etc.) and reduce my busy bidding.

[hrothgar]

If I care about this type of behaviour, why am I playing with said partner?
If I don't care about said behaviour, why am I asking this question?

In all seriousness, I think that your only practical choice is to complete ignore the outburtsts if/when they happen.

(I suppose that you might be able to get the idiot to volunteer to wear one of those electric shock collars that they use for dogs)

[han]

ArcLight, on Sep 20 2007, 12:29 PM, said:

Its easy ...

I disagree. Assuming that you are taking the game seriously and treat it as intensely as you should, it can be very difficult to deal with a partner that is "difficult". I interpret difficult not as a better partner who is trying to teach you something. I'm interpreting it as a partner who takes every mistake you make as a personal insult, and sometimes also when it wasn't actually your mistake.

It is very difficult to keep playing your best when partner acts like this. If you really want to play with such a partner then imo you should really think about it beforehand, realize the kinds of things he is going to do and determine how you are going to deal with it.

I think it it is easier to handle when you are really confident about your own game.

[bid_em_up]

1) The simplest way to deal with this kind of partner is don't make any mistakes. Then he has no reason to bitch about anything.

2) If you know you have made a mistake, apologize before he has a chance to say anything.

3) Tell him before you start, "I am not feeling well today, please try and overlook the stupid things I may do." or "My game has been off lately, please excuse any dumb mistakes I might make", now he might be a little more tolerant and keep his mouth shut where ordinarily he would be all over it.

4) Alternatively, tell him up front, "I don't like talking about hands during a session. I'd rather spend my time/energy on the next hand. I will be happy to discuss any of your mistakes after the session is over if you wish." Much more effective, as now he has to worry about his own mistakes and not yours.

5) After his 1st offer of "advice", tell him "I charge $50/minute to listen to bullcrap, keep talking and this will be the most expensive bridge game you have ever played." Take out a pen and a piece of paper and write it down, 2 min X $50 like you are keeping track of the minutes. Look dead serious while you are doing so. Present him with bill at end of session.

If these don't work, just agree with him or ignore him as much as possible. "You're absolutely right, that was a dumb thing to do.", "I agree, I should double them", "That didn't occur to me", whatever it takes. Or just nod your head in affirmment and say nothing.

It prevents an argument, and lets him feel superior which is what he wants anyway. What you do not want to do is to respond in kind or start pointing out his errors also. He'll just get mad, and won't listen to you anyway.

If all of this fails, try posting something stupid in here in the forums. The abuse you get as a result will help you get used to what you are going to receive from your partner as well as growing a thicker skin.

[mikeh]

As someone with a tendency to be the jerk across the table (altho less now than in years gone by), I think the best advice is to be upfront: tell the jerk that you know that he can be a jerk, and that you would truly appreciate it if he could wait until after the session to tell you what an idiot he thinks you are. Tell him that if he blows up at the table, one of you will have to take a brief hike.. and you'd prefer it to be him.

I remember playing a serious match in a serious event with a great player who was sometimes overly intense. I made a very questionable call, and was en route to a bad loss of imps. He was dummy and was steaming and muttering...'How could you do that???' said in a very unhappy tone, with head shaking and slapping of cards. I put down my cards and asked him to go away from the table:' take a walk.. I'll be a few minutes playing this, and come back once it is over'.

He got up and strode angrily away. He came back, a little more relaxed... I apologized.

We went on to be quite successful as a partnership and very good friends. Neither of us ever blew up again at the table... at least, not with each other.

Most jerks don't want to be jerks.. they just get too intense. If he really wants to be and enjoys being a jerk, then don't play with him unless you are a masochist. If he is the unwilling jerk, help him to relax.

[pclayton]

There are at least two people I know that I might have formed partnerships with if it wasn't for their at the table demeanor.

For me, life it just too short to play with people I don't like or to work with people I don't like. Occasionally I will get trapped with someone at the table who I've never played with before that I end up fighting with.

Boy I can dish it out if I want

[kenberg]

If you choose to do this I am sure you will survive just fine. Jerks, and people who play with jerks, generally enjoy themselves greatly at other's expense. I would be more interested in suggestions to your opponents as to how to deal with the two of you.

I can easily name a pair or two who clearly benefit from the hostility created at the table. They live for it so it doesn't bother them at all. It of course upsets some opponents, giving the jerks some pleasure at least, and often some matchpoints. I guess there is some benefit to the rest of us in learning how to deal with this so maybe I should thank you. No, maybe not.

[han]

Jeez Ken.

[SoTired]

finally, a question i am uniquely and highly qualified to answer...

First, let's classify your partner:
A) A much better player than you who berates you in front of opps for almost every mistake
-- Insist that they never comment on your play in front of others. Then never give them the opportunity until after the session. If they don't agree or can't control themselves, don't play with this player. Each criticism will cause you to play progressively worse. You will play scared of making a mistake rather than trying to make the best plays. You will find yourself relieved to be dummy or not on opening lead. This is no way to play bridge. You will not learn much. Plus, you will become the "victim" of an abuse-victim pair. Finding yourself becoming more and more submissive. It will kill your confidence the more you play with this creep. You will find yourself being silent even when you think you are right. I don't care if the partner is a reincarnated Charles Goren. you will not have good results.

B. Similar to A, but more polite and constructive. A player that we might call, "Hard on Partner."
-- Similar to above and again insist on no criticism in front of others. Occassionally, listen in between rounds to the criticism. The criticism will be less emotional and more constructive. BUT, do not allow any criticism until at least a third of the boards are finished. The worst criticism is the one that starts near the beginning of the session, then it carries the weight of fear that you are playing poorly. This fear of playing poorly results in progressively poorer play. You become glassy eyed and find yourself not even noticing spot cards. To combat this, if it occurs, play excessively slowly, starring at each bid and card played and saying it to yourself silently. This, sometimes, breaks you out of this mode.

Also, make sure you argue back if you think you are right. A good response to criticism is to ask, "What should I have done?" And when they give an answer that does not seem to fit with other parts of your system, challenge them about that. "Well, what if I did not have the queen, then what should I have bid?"

C) An equal player that likes to criticize you. This is the BULLY partner.
-- Usually, this type of partner can be saved, but you must stand up to them. Even if you think they are right. They will rarely stop criticizing you. The best response is to wave your hand at them and tell them they are full of crap, but you will discuss it later after the session. Tell them to remember the hand. Do this EVERY TIME they start. After the event, they will rarely remember each hand and will have less emotional attachment. Then you can discuss things a little more rationally. This player you can learn from as long as you don't become the submissive half of the bully-victim.

D) The partner is equal or worse but has a habit of blaming their partner even for their own mistakes. Very "resulting"
-- A very annoying type partner. May be a lost cause. As with all partners, never allow criticism in front of others. Do not argue if they do, just announce, "It is unacceptable to criticize me in front of others." Arguing is little use with this player, because they are NEVER WRONG. Even when they are obviously wrong, they won't admit it. Don't bother arguing with this player and do not take any advice from them. They cannot separate their true knowledge from their necessity of blaming you for all bad results, so you never know which is which.

This last one is the only one for which, nodding your head and saying, "OK" is acceptable. Because then THEY play better if they think they have convinced you to take the blame.