Posted 2006-February-28, 23:11
OK, here is my blast. It's a long one.
(edited Wed because I forgot details)
(edit #2 to further the deluge)
1. 2/1 GF.
Why can't I bid my God-given 10 count with six clubs on x KTx xxx AKT9xx when pard opens 1♠? Why can't hardly anyone bid five or six of a minor games/slams? Why must there be fast arrival, slow arrival, picture jumps, pudding raises? Why must people play light initial action when the system was designed for sound openings? Let's bid 4th suit forcing...WHEN WE HOLD THE 4TH SUIT to begin with. Let's bid new minor forcing on a slam going hand to land at 3NT when with mom-and-pop bidding your opps land at seven clubs (happened last week people - the opps were double A players). Let's use an omnibus 1NT forcing over 1M and deny us a great MP spot and have it range so widely that opener has to rebid a 3 card minor just because they can't do anything else right. Please, for the love of Kaplan toss this bastardization into the waste receptable where it belongs.
2. Everything Bergen.
The "rule of 20" - let's empower the public to open Kxxxx Qx KQxxx x 1♠ and after hearing a 2♥ G/F figure out how to avoid down two at 3NT. His raise scheme - can we say "double", "cuebid", "takeout", "formula bridge"? Preemptive raises - why tell the opps that you have garbage opposite opener's trash? Opening weak two bids on any six card suit - let's steer pard wrong from honor-x at 3NT. New suit nonforcing - let's yank it out of our 6-1 fit to put it into...ANOTHER 6-1 fit in a different strain. The only thing that is good with regards to Bergen is that it's in Norway and a county in New Jersey.
3. Support Doubles.
Kids, if you really like this abomination of constructive bidding, be fearful. VERY fearful. In a SAYC or 2/1 world, you have zero need for them. Ever since Rodwell invented them to prevent from playing a 3-3 major fit due to a controlled psyche over a Precision 1♦, the "modern" expert HAS to have it. Ever have a six card minor with three piece support for pard - can't rebid your minor. Ever wanted to layout your opps' featherlight overcall - can't penalize them. Ever want to find a more constructive bid - can't do it. Let's sacrifice accurate bidding so that we can show three cards for pard. Gee, this is REALLY improving my bidding - NOT! And tell me this, has there been ANY progression of this treatment since it was introduced? Has bidding improved because of it? Let me count the ways that it has screwed royally the ability to get a better score from doing something ELSE instead...
4. Capp and DONT
OK so the hardest contract to defend is 1NT-X when RHO opens a strong NT and we want to penalize them again for what reason, especially if they got a runout scheme? Better yet, let's have TWO ways to bid spades in a DONT X auction. Talk about duplication. And oh yeah, people overcalling 2H/S in Capp on that major-minor combination punishing pard when they are 4-4 in the other two suits and have to take a preference. On top of that, they do it on a 5-4 or a 4-5 and pard can never get degree of fit right. Best yet, let's actively encourage the strident use of both conventions so that when they go for their frequent -300's and up, they wonder why the cards lied so unfavorably.
5. Gerber
Gerber is a baby food company. I'm 30 years old and I have long since graduated from peas and carrots with applesauce. Why is it STILL imperative to have 1NT-P-4C as ace asking? Can't we do something better with this? And better yet, people using this convention to ask for aces in a SUIT contract...maybe they need to switch to Beech-Nut instead or go back on the baby formula. Put down the spoons. Please. I don't want to wipe up the mess.
6. Two suited overcalls
Let's give the opps a roadmap. Whatever happened to pass? I gather that in the "modern era" passing isn't sexy enough to keep us entertained. Instead let's bid in such a way where they get like, five million different ways to get into the best contract because you were so anxious to Michaels their 1♣ on Qt9xx Kt9xx x Qx.
7. Competitive doubles
Have we lost our ^*#^*# minds with comp. doubles? Let's no longer penalize them at 5 of a minor over a sacrifice - we're going to play negative doubles AND responsive doubles through 7♥ instead since we are "modern". And the maximal double - when does THAT come up? Instead of taking the sure profit with penalizing them we instead want to declare because we are handhogs and we want to be in control of the party.
8. Five card majors opened 1NT
Yet again the "modernists" preach that we should open 1NT even with a five card major. Yet the same modernists don't tell us that on a non-descript 7-9 point hand 4 of the major will often give us 10 tricks. The scoring table is set up for major fits - yet, the "modern" bidder will languish at 1NT-P-3NT with 8-9 tricks instead of +420/+620. We can't bid our hands the way they were intended to? Do we HAVE to open 1NT on AKx A9xxx xx Axx? What about AQ9xx KTx Kxx Jx? With this point in mind, LONG LIVE MARSHALL MILES AND ZEKE JABBOUR! :-)
9. Transfer this, transfer that, let's transfer a transfer.
At times transfers are a powerful tool. The problem is, there are too many transfers! Transfer overcalls, transfer advances, transfer openings...what next, transfer defense?! Slow down with the transferring, you're giving me motion sickness here. Better yet, let me transfer my inner contents somewhere else with the dizzying pace of this development.
10. Fourth suit forcing
As mentioned in item 1, 4th suit forcing when we hold the 4th suit is causing me such angst. Instead of telling pard that the unbid suit is under wraps, let's bid it anyway because we are madly in love with 4th suit forcing. Let's go to the altar in total worship of bidding a suit en passant because we want to feel empowered only to put pard under considerable pressure to do the right thing (and we all know they will NOT do this with any level of consistency). And when did this treatment get me into the right strain when used wrongly? I've seen folks that use fourth suit forcing...at the FOUR level. Wow, modern bidding is a lovely thing isn't it?
11. Preemption, or the lack thereof
If Helgemo can win with a weak 2♦ bid, so can I. So, why is this bid so maligned to the point of near extinction? It's gotten so bad that hearts are sinking fast and spades are an endangered species in some methods. Instead we have the grocery list of two-bids and there's no discount saving card to earn me necessarily more points because of it. Next, we'll be hearing about "Oreo" 2-bids with a cremy filling and cookie shells.
12. The love affair that many have...with Mini-Roman 2♦ AND Flannery 2♥.
I like Flannery believe it or not, but when coupled with the horrid 3 suiter (especially when the anchor suit is spades, egad), it's like trying to season a nice steak with marshmallow sauce, or maybe enjoying ice cream with hot sauce. Furthermore, let's tell the opps exactly what to lead versus Mini-Roman (trumps!)
13. Puppet Stayman
Do we HAVE to play this treatment? Eek. I want to cut the strings from this treatment. Then again, a natural 2NT is the aunt or uncle that is unwelcomed after three days.
14. Lastly - all these ace asking bids.
Whatever happened to good old Blackwood? Nope, we can't have practical anymore - let's have RKC with two flavors, Kickback, Minorwood, 6A-RKCB, Exclusion, Redwood, Byzantine, and probably 100 homebrewed concoctions to tell the opps that you're off an ace and side king and are going down in your slam. Did I mention that slam bidding in general is horrible? I rather clean mold from my fridge than to have an ace asking auction and failing to count to 1, 2, or 3 to land at a no-play slam.
With this 2nd edit, I'm going to get lunch -
"Champions aren't made in gyms, champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill. " - M. Ali